Truthiness
The truth is I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about “What may have been” with those I truly cared about if I had played the game better. The purpose of this blog was to help me figure out this game and instead it’s probably had the opposite effect. I’m more confused than ever, and well I feel like an even bigger loser rereading everything I’ve written. :) “Will I ever be good enough or find someone good enough for me?” really is the reoccurring theme.
It wasn’t a completely uneventful fall. An Asian bible thumper Jenny did connect with me online. She emailed me first, and we chatted on the phone a few times and decided to meet. During our date, she spent most of the time talking about herself, and even better, she referred to herself in third person. “Jenny refuses to settle”, “Jenny is thankful for God in my life”, “Jenny thinks you should take her out for Pho”. “Jenny can…” well I have a bunch of different thoughts to complete that line, but I’m not that mean.
November and December was a low period in my life, so I agreed to a few dates with her. After each one, I was more ashamed for even going. I hadn’t called her very much. She was texting me in what seemed like an hourly basis and leaving me messages at work. After the death of my friend, I told her I really needed to take some time off and stay out of the dating scene, which was true. She hasn’t contacted me since. Hopefully, Jenny has moved on.
I guess the only thing I’ve learned from that, for better or for worse, I’m still not willing to settle.
I’ve received a couple of emails from Nat around Christmas, and as much as I want to talk to her, I’m found it a bit difficult to do so. She had indicated that she is seeing someone and she is happy. I’m happy for her, but I guess sad for me. Its an end to another chapter and it’s really an end to this part of the journey. I must have wrote a few emails where I didn’t hit the send button. I know this whole part has been more fantasy than reality, but I had enjoyed it. Now I’m back to facing reality. While I was going through this fantasy, I could always talk myself into thinking there was a glimmer of hope.
In combination with Carol going back on her search and me not really knowing if I’m ready to go back, it’s really left me feeling a bit alone. Within the last few years, even if it wasn’t as successful as I would have liked, I had something going. It’s really the first time where there isn’t even a glimmer of opportunity. It’s true that I can probably manufacture something, but its the first time I’m not sure if I even want to, or even capable of. But I guess that’s really the reality and truthiness of it all.
