The United Nations of dating
So I’m Asian. Well yes and no. I mean genetically yes. Culturally, sorta. Language, most no these days. I grew up in elementary school in the inner city where it was a potpourri of different kids. It was the united nations of schools. I then went to high school in an Asian dominated school. It was probably 60% Asian, and 40% everything else.
I was the only kid from my elementary school that ended up in my particular high school. Until then, most of my friends were non-asian. I had black, egyptian, ukranian, czech and well everything else as friends. That all changed once high school hit.
Now even amongst the Asians, we were seperated into two major groups, the Canadian born (CBC - Canadian Born Chinese) ones and the immigrants. There was minimal intermingling between those group. The Canadian born kids were more likely to be hanging out with other native English speaking kids that “the foreigners”.
So dating was an interesting proposition back then. CBCs tended to date other CBCs, it was rare (especially for the guys) to go outside of that. It didn’t take me long to determine and think how weird that was! As much as I wanted to go outside the group I wasn’t ready to make the next leap to being labeled a “Banana” or a “Twinkie”. You know, yellow on the outside and white on the in.
Until that point I hadn’t grown up with other CBCs expect for cousins. And like all teens, I really wanted to fit in and find my clique. Unfortunately for the first few years it was difficult for me because I grew up in the inner city and things were so different. It took me the longest time to develop simple things like trust. The sociological difference were minute between me and “them”, but during those teen years, they seemed big. What was bigger was relating to the WASP group even though I had grown up with the UN of kids. My best friends were white, the girl I spent most of my childhood was white, the girl across the street I hung out with was black.
My new high school white friends all grew up privileged. I found it hard to relate to them more because of their wealth than the colour of their skin. They had butlers and nannies, and well the families of the people I grew up with were the butlers and nannies. But I think this influenced how I viewed culture and race.
Hanging out and partying with my CBC friends was predominately going out to eat, gambling, going to dances.
Hanging out and partying with my white friends was going to someone’s house, drinking and smoking pot.
Partying with my small group of immigrant friends was spent predominately at someone’s house. Somebody would cook and we’d eat and sing karaoke with the occasional rollerskating and bowling trips .
Each group was so distinctly different. I didn’t drink much and didn’t smoke much pot so I never felt comfortable with my “white” friends. Even though I had a crush on several girls from that group, I never worked up the nerve to ask any of them out. Tina (mentioned in a previous blog) was the only “white” person I had ever asked out in high school and technically she was Serbian. I took her to a Eurasure concert and saw Miss Siagon, but at no point did I consider it a romantic thing.
I’m really not sure why, but I think there was always an intimidating factor for me there. I sensed that I didn’t belong, or that I’m too different, or that I’m even a fraud. I didn’t have the same shared experience growing up. I didn’t shop at the same places. I didn’t eat the same foods. I didn’t do any of the things they did.
I know the CBCs used to poke fun of the immigrants, so I can only imagine the upper elite WASP class poking fun of us. I remember us as CBCs having an element of snobbishness towards the FOBs (fresh off the boat), and I thought it was only natural for other groups to feel the same way about us.
I had dated a couple of FOBs then and even went to my prom with one. I can only remember my friends looking down at who I was out with. This may have all been in my mind of course, but I know around the guys, the joke was I was only with them so I could “get some”.
It wasn’t until university that I was taking political science and ended up dating every race culture and creed. I even dated an honest to goodness Irish redheaded gal, Fionna for years. Somehow she was one of the rare people who made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I loved Fionna and her family. I attended the funeral of her Grandmother, and that’s when I realized that’s how I wanted to go out of this world. Asians tend to have the “be as sad as you can” type funeral, and when I showed up to Grammy’s wake, it was one of the best parties I had ever been to. I remember approaching the door and hearing all this laughter and music. It was explained to me that her funeral was a celebration of her life.. and well, a celebration of whiskey really. Sadly for me, Fionna and I went our separate ways after university when she decided to move to the UK. Funny enough, at that time I was okay with it as I wasn’t really ready to settle down and it wouldn’t have been fair to either of us.
At the end of the day, I think I’m still somehow intimidated, or feel awkward when I’m dating non-CBCers.
I’ve never gone out predertermined who I’m going to date next. Its always been by chance/fate who I’ve met and who I’ve dated, but for whatever reason I haven’t dated a CBC in years.
I wasn’t sure where I was going when I started this, but I do know that my childhood and teenage years still carry forward with me today. I know it did influence how I was when I was with Nat and Carol and for the most part, I know it was porbably a barrier in my own mind.
